Train of Thought

My Mom has been in the hospital and it's been pretty emotionally taxing on everybody and coming home from Sioux Falls the other night, I was pretty spent both emotionally and physically.  The simple 60 mile drive was already getting old for a person who bikes everywhere.

I think to keep our sanity up, we started playing the "That cloud looks like .... " game.  After finding a rubber ducky cloud, a My Little Pony cloud, and various others,  The following conversation then took place.

Laura: That cloud looks like a whale whose tail popped out of the water.
Me:  No way! That is totally the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Laura:  Oh I can see that!
Me: *humming the theme song to Star Trek*
--pause for a bit as we rode in silence--
Me:  You know that someday after Big Bang Theroy goes off the air there will be a trivia game about it, don't you?
Laura:  We will totally rock at that!
Me:  No doubt about that.
-- More silence as we drove along --
Me:  Do you have any idea how that whole series of thought tie together?
Laura:  Let's see....U.S.S Enterprise Cloud - Humming the theme song to Star Trek -- Big Bang Theory trivia -- You was thinking about the episode of Big Bang Theroy where Sheldon played the Star Trek theme on that "thingy".
Me:  ABSOLUTELY!  Only you could have pieced that together.  Don't spend too much time in my head, it's a scary place.  The only thing you missed is that I had to think about the name of the "thingy" -- it's called a Theremin -- and that's where I came up with the need for a trivia game.

Do Laura and I spend too much time together?  Absolutely.  We wouldn't have it any other way.

Going Out in Style

My last post discussed my glorious reunion with my Garmin 305.  Found in a corner, shivering, grasping to life.  We nursed her back to health and she seemed happy to be back with us once again.  I tried to ease her back into society on a short bike ride but she would have none of it.  There was no power to her at all.  I performed surgery to see what made her tick and managed to get her heart started once again.

A couple rides into her recovery plan, she got temperamental with me and turned off in the middle of a ride.  That was the final straw.  The romance needed to come to an end.  After all, I had my eye on a cute little Garmin 500 for some time now.  After a brief conversation with a friend, the fine folks at Garmin in Kansas City shipped me my new love and she arrived yesterday. 

I took her out and checked her out, but I needed to get going on my ride.  The new Garmin 500 wasn't quite ready for her maiden voyage so I decided to allow Miss 305 one last fling.  We took off on our ride and everything seemed normal.  But she knew...Oh yes, she knew.

Somehow, unbeknownst to me, she must have ordered explosives for her one last mission.  A suicide bombing to take me out.  She just couldn't go on without me.  As I turned the corner and rode by the park -- KABLOOIE!!!  She exploded and parts of her bounced off me and I screamed at the horror.  All that was left was bits and pieces of her still attached to the bike and the rest of her was scattered for half a city block.

But she failed.  I'm still alive.  I'll move on with Miss 500.  I hope and pray it will be a long relationship without such a psychotic ending.  RIP Miss 305, it was quite an exit from this world.

The Great Mystery of Early 2012: Case Closed

In the beginning of the necessity that would later become known as "The Great Basement Bedroom Remodel of 2012", chaos ensued. Stuff was moved around, packed hastily, strewn between the laundry room, family room, and the garage. As we slowly unpacked, and continue to do so, it was missing. I cried out to it. Searched everywhere. I was so sure that it became scared and simply ran away.

I couldn't give up.  I searched high and low, calling it's name.  I made posters asking for its safe return.  Made a newsworthy plea that if an abduction took place that I would pay whatever it took for its safe return. 

Still....nothing...after awhile, you simply have to move on with your life.  Accept the fact that it's gone forever.  Think back, and occasionally shed a tear over the good times you've had.

Then suddenly there it was:  A whimper in the corner as my beautiful wife Laura was cleaning the laundry room.  Cleaning the mess that I, in my anguish and pain, had made worse in my frantic search for it.  Stuff strewn to and fro, but that wasn't going to stop Laura.  She dug and dug, following the faint sounds until, there it was.  It had returned to me.  I embraced it immediately telling it that I would not part from it until the end of time.

Welcome home!  May we enjoy many more rides together!

We've All Done It

If you are a roadie and you haven't tried to do this, I'm very disappointed in you. I remember one night it was set up on the road by the swimming pool and kids kept egging me on. It was set at 25mph and I topped out at 29 going by it. I did about eight hard sprints and it was the best I could do. The kids kept saying "C'mon go 30! We want to get a picture of it!" Two more attempts and I finally did it. Then I promptly went home, laid down for about an hour because I really thought I was going to puke.

The Art of Making New Friends

After a very long day in the Dakota Dome working a track meet, a guy who didn't look all that familiar to me, and may not have been from here, walked up as I was unlocking my bike, putting my helmet on, and had the following brief conversation:

Dude: "Why do you wear a helmet, are you that bad of a cyclist?"
Me (quite tired and now agitated): "No, but I've seen people like you drive, so therefore I will continue to wear it"
Me: *Staring at the guy waiting to see where this was going to go*
Dude: *Dumbfounded look*
Me: *Smile and pedal happily away*

Okay, it wasn't my finest moment, but it sure felt good!

Life Through A Cyclists Eyes

Should you fail to understand, please consult your nearest cyclist for further explanation. Ride on!

My Life Summarized in One Picture

Captialization IS Important

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the Art of Capitalization (using Capital letters properly); for those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Is everybody clear on that??

LATE EDIT: My friend Snakebite also reminds me of the extreme importance of punctuation:

Proper punctuation can save lives, too: It's time to eat, Grandpa! It's time to eat Grandpa!

A Bike Commuter Moment

You know you're a bike commuter when you go to get into a car and you still tie your pant leg back so it doesn't get caught in the chain.

Regular vs. Decaf

I knew the truth would come out sooner or later.

A Must Blog Moment

This is a little too long to Twitter about, but I hope the humor of it translates well in a blog post.

I had just completed a 31 mile bike ride when my youngest asked if we could do a "fire pit". That sounded pretty good since the wind was really low and we had a couple of downed branches to burn. After the fire was going good and Laura got home, she brought out the makings for Smores. As we were making them I leaned over and my cell phone in my pocket got bumped and the following transpired:

Phone: Say a command
Me: Shut up
Phone: Calling Laura
*short pause*
Everyone: Uncontrollable laughter as Laura's phone rings

Why Were They Looking Anyway?

The Maid

The maid asked for a pay increase. The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: 'Well, ma’am, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No ma’am...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Choose Your Destructor

Oh heck no! I'll take my chances in the middle of the road.

Cash For Clunkers Viking Style

Rush Has A Change of Heart

My Recent Intervention

I walked into the room, unsuspecting. There they all were and I knew something was up. I was asked to sit down and listen while they all read their statements to me about what they perceived as an "unhealthy" addiction. I crossed my arms to let them know that I was of upset, hurt, mad about what was going on. I let them speak.

"Kevin, you know we love you, but you have to get this addiction under control and we want you to seek help. It started when you were a wee lad in your parents gas station. Sneaking a little here and there. 'Nobody would ever know' you thought. Well, you were wrong. They knew but they did nothing to stop your addiction. They enabled it to go on for the last 30 years. I beg you to get help."

I said nothing and waited for the next person to speak.

"We've seen you and your sleepless nights. Bouncing off the walls, being obnoxious. It's a disgrace to your upbringing. It's hard for us to watch the path you are going down. If mixing it with water wasn't bad enough, you now just throw the stuff in your mouth with a chocolate coating and chew it. If you don't get counseling I'm afraid that you will never sleep again and die! Is that what you want? Please get help now."

I looked over at the last person waiting to speak.

"I have watched this tear apart your life for years, but it's become worse as of late. First it was the singles, then the doubles, then you started with small bags and now THIS (putting the bag below on the table). If you can't get this under control and seek help, I'm afraid you leave us no choice but to kick you out of our lives forever."



I now have new friends and a five pound bag of Organic French Roast coffee. If you need a dealer, let me know. No more interventions though. Everybody deserves one addiction.

Einstein Was on to Somthing

E = mc²

Energy = Morning x Two Cups of Coffee (at LEAST!!)

Farts are Funny

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize.....

You have been listening to your iPod!!!

Big Wheels X-Games

Found this on a friends site. Too good not to re-post.